so, i've been babysitting my mom's dogs for the past couple of days.  i came to the conclusions that 1. bella is my favorite  2. webster is big and annoying  and 3. chopper is the gayest, sissy dog in the world (he is humping webster's shoulder right now).

today.

march 30.

I painted today:

It is the Reflection of a Broken Night.  To me, it is tragically beautiful.

I accidentally stabbed the canvas while I was doing it...  haha

soundtrack:  that home by cinematic orchestra

today.

march 28.

I responded.  I wanted to say so much more.  I do not feel as though I owe anything, but this will never be resolved if I didn't pay her.  I hope the money is enough, I hope the money makes her happy...

Last night was a blast.  I sang with Preston the rapper:

haha

And tonight is movie night #2 with the fam...  10,000 B.C.  baby.

soundtrack:  both sides of the gun by ben harper

today. 

march 27.

I read it.  It was interesting to read knowing what was implied between the lines.  I feel terrible and lost, and I don't know what to do.  I'm not sure if I will be able to handle this one.  I need more time.

soundtrack:  let it out (let it all hang out) by hombres

today.

march 26.

A lot of things have been on my mind lately.  In spite of the dissension between myself and a close friend, I have found time to think.  To think of injustice and inequality.  To remind myself that I live an all too privileged life and that I have a responsibility to change it.  

This photo is of black American flood victims in 1939 standing in line for relief aid (food, clothing, etc...) in front of a very ironic billboard.  The photo was taken 70 years ago, yet this billboard is still representative of how people think and live.  Although it is not blatantly written on billboards like this, the U.S. is becoming more and more widely known as being selfish and wanting to be the best.  Sometimes, I forget to think about that and what I can be doing to change it.

I just got done talking to a very dear friend of mine.  The whole human trafficking epidemic is striking her hard.  She has been talking about this for a while, and now wants to quit her job and do something about it.  Her and a friend from college are wanting to start up an organization called "Hosea's Redemption" that will spread awareness and begin to aid in the fight against human trafficking.  Most organizations we have found are overseas.  This one will be located in central Indiana, working to eliminate human trafficking that is taking place in our own back (or front) yard.  I am really excited for her and to be a part of this.  We are wanting to get all the information together and possibly take a summer tour next summer to spread awareness of it.  We talked about partnering with a musical group to promote the efforts, help spread awareness, and to fundraise.

If anyone has any ideas or connections that we could use, it would be very helpful to know about!!!!!  Right now, I am just really excited to get this off the ground...  =]

soundtrack:  butterflies & hurricanes by muse

today.

march 25.

This pretty much sums up my day:

I hope Ellen sees it so I can be on the show.  [credit goes to brandon schmidt for adding ralphie]

soundtrack:  new soul by yael naïm

today.

march 24.

More yelling today.  This time silent yelling directed at me.  People really should use more discretion when they are talking about someone else on the phone.  Especially when that someone else is their roommate.

Harsh words cut like a knife.  I feel like I have been sliced open.

I am too trusting.  I give my life to be there for people's needs and it spits back in my face.

Thanks.

soundtrack:  the wrote and the writ by johnny flynn

today.

march 23.

I halfway expected today to be warm.  I wore a t-shirt under a light cardigan.  It isn't enough to keep warm.

I am really glad I am back around people I know.  It is nice.

Other areas of my life aren't so great.  It is becoming clear that I am probably the most irresponsible person on the face of the planet, and sometimes I forget to think, and the results make me want to escape, to run.  I need to work on this.

soundtrack:  to run by josiah leming

I thought spring break would feel like the way the song White Winter Hymnal by the Fleet Foxes makes me feel.  It ended up feeling like Summer in the City by Regina Spektor.

It was the perfect mix of lame and lonely.

mmm.  anderson never sounded so good.

today.

march 15.

Another late start...  I need to go to bead earlier...

I took a bike ride to Snead Island today.  It was about an hour there and an hour back, and the whole time I thought for sure my bike was going to fall apart and I would be forced to carry back the pieces...  Thank goodness it didn't.  I found a little secluded (with the exception of an old couple) piece of beach and read there for about 2 hours before the tide started to attack me and my sheet, so I headed back home.  I am surprised my skin didn't burn, I forgot sunscreen, so that could have been interesting...  I think I will go back there tomorrow.

I ordered a veggie pizza from Pizza Hut for dinner, and for which I am very excited because I haven't eaten much today...

I am starting to feel alone.

soundtrack:  i was broken by rob pattinson

today.

march 14.

what an interesting day, to say the least.  i woke up a little later than i had planned, and then decided to take the bus to siesta key.  my neighbor named Rocky dropped me off at the bus stop.  the bus ride there was okay, but long.  there was an old lady wearing a t-shirt that said "u r my bffaeaeae xoxo" who tried to get on the bus.  the driver didn't want her to get on because she was so trashed, so she told the lady to get off.  the old drunk lady fell over on the curb and just sat there, we had to wait for the ambulance to come get her...  then after that, there was a baby who cried a lot. 

i finally got to siesta key after almost 3 hours on the bus, only to find out that i cannot rent a scooter because i have never driven one before.  so, i spent 5 whole minutes on the beach, and headed back to the bus stop.  i got on and was on my way home.  when we were about half way, the driver pulled over in a parking lot and told me that was the 'end of the road'.  i was on the right bus, but apparently the route i needed ended 30 minutes earlier...  so i was stranded in the middle of no where...  i walked for a while and found a mall, and had to borrow some girl's cell phone because mine was dead to call a taxi.  now i'm watching october sky and i'm about to go to bed...

soundtrack:  neon by john mayer

[last night's sunset]

my transportation.

i need more sunsets like this in my life.

today.

march 13.

finally in warm weather.  i think i like florida a little too much...

praise jesus my old neighbors have wireless internet.  with minimal reception, i can't upload photos, but no worries, sunset photos will be up soon!!!!!!!

i'm not really sure what i am doing here.  i know i should be taking time to get to know myself again, but i'm so bored.

new goal:  be okay with being alone, quietness.

soundtrack:  to run by josiah leming

today.

march 12.

one of my favorite things on the internet:

today in pictures

i'm feeling really discouraged today for many reasons...

soundtrack:  fine for now by grizzly bear

today.

march 11.

so much yelling...  why do people yell?  it doesn't help.

today.

march 10.

I just got back from Frazier's with Alissa and Daniel.  Daniel felt a little sick, so Alissa told him to stick his head between his knees...  haha

my favorite part is that he actually did it... haha

sunshine & moon.  sister & moonlight.  what a beautiful combination.

Before we left, there were some ghetto girls yelling at this pregnant girl, "you and your piece of shit truck"...  This is why I love Anderson.

soundtrack:  la traviata by giuseppe verdi

This is where I am on the political compass.

I guess I'm right there with Ghandi and the Dalai Lama...  ?  I just wish I could be as smart as them...  Try it out!

I guess I've missed a few days...

today.

march 8.

I was busy all weekend helping with a youth retreat at East Side.  Long weekend + minimum sleep =  4 hour nap today.

I wish music albums didn't cost money, but the artists could still get paid.

This is the polaroid I took of the sunset on my walk the other day.  I like it.

I'm debating whether or not my homework is worth doing tonight.  I'm really ready to be done with school.  Homework seems pointless right now, but if I don't do it, I'll never leave.

That's all for today.

soundtrack:  après moi by regina spektor

I don't think I have ever cried while reading a blog, I actually haven't cried in months, maybe even a year. But Isaac's post made me realize something. There are three different kinds of people in this world. There are those people who go through relationships like it is nothing. There are those who experience very few and meaningful, yet in the end more painful relationships than others. Then there are the people like me, going through life observing, watching, but never experiencing. I must admit that I used to feel jealousy toward either of the above experiences, getting to "try out" different people, or investing so deeply into someone else's life that it hurts, having never experienced either for myself. After reading Isaac's post, I realized that I feel sorry for one and long even more deeply for the other.

We all long for something in life, for some it is money, others fame, even to just be normal (whatever that means anymore...). I was created perfectly by and in the image of God, and I know God did not intend for me to be alone my whole life, and I think that is why I desire for it so much, a relationship, any relationship. All this talk about embracing singleness and singleness as a spiritual gift is bullshit. Humans were designed with a drive and desire to be with other human beings. Singleness as a spiritual gift vs. as a choice is a totally different thing... I think if it is not completely our choice to be single, like my situation, that people like me need to discover and define who they are as a single person and not let the singleness define who they are.

I have a friend, who shall remain unnamed, who is single. Who has always been single. But who complains about being single to EVERYONE. I love this friend dearly, but I just wish that friend could embrace the person within instead of the person wished for...

Until I just talked to Jill, I did not think that I could feel sorry for anyone who has been through deep emotional pain, simply because I have never experienced that sort of separation. My aloneness may or may not be just as bad as loving and losing. I don't know... But I guess I feel sorry for your pain, maybe even a little that you have to endure it, but I can not feel bad for the emotions felt before the pain--the one thing I long for.

When death comes.

today.

march 5.

Overall, a good day.  I recorded a few songs to entertain myself before I went to east side to help with the youth retreat.  I posted one at myspace.com/jessieeskew.  It is a  Britney Spears original...  =]

Newest music obsession:  

Johnny Flynn

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and purpose, which is a regular occurrence, just more concentrated lately.  In attempts to become more focused and realize myself, I deleted facebook--too much of a distraction.  

Although I am not yet sure what I want out of life, I know what I do not want.  I think Mary Oliver puts it best with her poem, When Death Comes:

"When death comes

like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:

what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth

tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

soundtrack:  people lead by ben harper

today.

march 4.

morning + migraine = no class.

migraine gone, overcooked cocoa wheats, too much peanut butter.

dishes!  need to shower, but that will have to wait.

2 new projects:  alissa's birthday present and booties for new baby gradyn.

my new favorite thing is screen sharing, i practiced my screen sharing skills with preston during romans class.

i walked to the park and bridge after preston time, here is what i experienced:

warm sun.

today was the nicest day in a while.

rapids: white river style

  

soundtrack:  your protector by fleet foxes.

interesting thought...

today.

march 3.

"all rational beings existed as minds bodiless and immaterial without any number or name, so that they all formed a unity by reason of the identity of their essence and power and activity and by their union with and knowledge of the word of god."

-origen

interesting fact:  origen cut off his twig and berries to become a eunuch for christ.  i don't have either a twig or berries, but i know for SURE that act of righteousness was not pleasant.

soundtrack:  citizen erased by muse